I met with a dear friend spontaneously the other day after a last minute decision to go write in a coffee shop.
I was free flow writing about my current fears and answering the question- what are you really scared of?
It started off very clear. I was afraid of getting stuck in an experience, an emotion, or even a place where I couldn’t find my way out. Stuckness scares me. Feeling trapped too.
As I kept writing I connected with the waves of intense grief that have been moving through me. Waves I sometimes don’t see coming, yet more the ones I anticipate and predict in the moments of solitude and stillness I invite in.
And then it rose up…a memory of the holidays that just passed. My heart was incredibly happy to be with my family and our longstanding traditions.
I recalled laughing with my cousin, enjoying my father’s antics, grateful for my step mother’s kindness, smiling at the togetherness of my children. Feeling a welcome relief to the loneliness and sorrow I had been experiencing in recent months cleaning out my home to sell and processing what felt like years of grief and trauma.
I heard the warning so clearly under the laughter and beyond my smile. The protective voice underneath wouldn’t let me forget “don’t hold on to it too much, this all ends.”
A fear of joy.
My friend walked into the coffee shop with excited energy ready to share a victory. I too, was excited to share what I just learned.
I asked her straight out- do you think we missed the fear of joy that is developed in the stages of grief?
Our 25 year friendship began in our careers as school counselors. We bonded almost immediately with our interests and passions. For years we ran grief groups together for teenagers who lost close loved ones. It was a gift to serve with her in such a unique and beautiful way.
“Yes,” she replied with no hesitation. “So many feel guilt when the joy returns and fear of its fleeting presence.”
“I hadn’t considered it before in my years of grief work. I assumed it was a trauma injury instead,” I pondered out loud.
And in fairness, it is. Some loss is traumatic. But not all grief brings on trauma.
“So interesting that you bring this up,” she said as she placed a book and her notes on the table. “I just graduated from a grief I’ve been working through.”
“Congratulations!” I exclaimed and moved in to give her a hug.
This is 25 years of friendship. Processing the hard and rejoicing in the wins. There is no sweeter gift.
I looked down at the book she brought in. The Grief Recovery Handbook.
“I didn’t think it was possible to move through it in this step by step way, but I did. It opened me up to go through it and feel it.”
And so continued our conversation on how challenged we are as a people to experience the heaviness of grief and loss, as well as hold the joy life has to offer. Can we do both simultaneously?
In my experience, yes.
When I began somatic therapy several years ago, my intention was to connect with the injuries inside me I had neglected that were quietly running my life. And they were.
Pain points and wounding that were decades old, filled with stories and anger and sadness and lots and lots of fear.
Listening to and feeling through the repressed pain and stories has not been easy, however the lightness I feel as each one passes through me to be released is a true blessing.
A reconnection to my most loving self. The part of me that trusts fully, loves unconditionally and sees the good in all. She’s always been there and she feels real, raw, pure joy.
For short clips.
Why? Because once the joy becomes dominant, the injuries and protectors from yesteryear come rushing in to remind of the dangers of feeling too much happiness. Too much hope. Too much goodness.
It’s not safe. Cue thoughts of potential disaster, sadness, unexpected loss- all lurking behind the next moment if not on high alert.
In rush the memories and feelings and sensations that tone down the joy. “Bring it down a notch. Don’t hold it too tight or it will hurt when you lose it.”
Sigh…right.
So how does one work with this fear when grieving or trying to start something new that requires risk- a new job, relationship, habit, move or experience of some kind?
I’ll tell you what I do.
I start by asking-
What are you really scared of?
And then let whatever wants to come up share. Through journaling, venting out loud, expressing itself in some way.
I invite the story to be told until it’s too tired or ready to stop.
After the expression has been experienced, I ask-
What would help you feel nourished?
What would help you feel protected?
What would help you feel more ease and safety moving forward?
Who can you ask to help? What support would feel good right now?
These direct questions let the fear be seen, acknowledged and responded to. Not only does it help the fear reduce its grip of protection, it builds trust that it’s not being shamed, neglected or rejected.
It’s held with compassion and curiosity, which in itself creates more safety in our system overall.
Have you experienced a fear of experiencing joy? How has it shown up for you? What do you do to support it when it presents itself?
Lynn Reilly is a licensed professional counselor, master energy therapist, and author of the self-help book, 30 Days to Me and the children’s book, The Secret to Beating the Dragon. She is also a contributing author telling her story of hope and transformation in the book, Crappy to Happy.
Lynn is a lifelong counselor with an expertise in understanding human behavior and sharing this knowledge with others. Her passion is to inspire people of all ages how to support themselves while living a serendipitous life…a life filled with unexpected joy and passion…a life meant to be.
